please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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