i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
