So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
