Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
