Your mouth is God's brothel.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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