Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
