Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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