Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Randomize
