On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
