I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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