just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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