Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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