help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
