Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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