There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
