I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
