I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
