Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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