I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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