I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
