I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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