is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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