i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
