My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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