Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
