she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
