: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
