so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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