best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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