swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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