Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
