I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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