Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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