he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
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Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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