Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in