I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
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I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.