Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
