I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.