Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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