NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
