Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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