i love accidental penises.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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