apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
