woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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