smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
