I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
