She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
