remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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