Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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