Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
