I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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