I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
