Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
