this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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