Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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