I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
