So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
