You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
