someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
