Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
