that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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