I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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