I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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